The elusive, much-hunted tube of toothpaste which we had been on the trail of since our last shopping day was finally discovered to be hidden in the refrigerator!  We are blaming Mr. Y.  After all, a guy who lives in our refrigerator and subsists on peanut butter, mayonnaise and stolen desserts was probably in serious need of brushing his teeth.  We think he might be dating the little fairy who opens the garage door for us.  

The first, two-part definition of the word “prejudice” found in the American Heritage Dictionary defines the word as follows:

prej·u·dice (prej’u-dis) n.
1. An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts.
2. A preconceived preference or idea.

People hate that word, prejudice, and try hard to avoid ever being identified as being prejudiced against anyone or anything. This strikes me as rather funny (in that ever so warped way of mine) because there is simply no way a human being can avoid prejudice altogether. Every relationship is exclusive by its very nature. How can I make such a bold statement? Because, my friends, it is true.

In order to include anyone, it is absolutely necessary to exclude someone else. Further, I submit that this is not necessarily a bad thing (although it might be). Take marriage for example. In marriage, you are promised exclusively to just one person. That, by necessity excludes everyone else. You cannot find a more exclusive relationship. What about children? Once you have children, you soon find that while you do not love children in general any the less, you love your own all the more. Your dedication to your own children is worth your very life. Your own children receive a level of time, attention and care from you (rightfully so) that other children do not. As their parent, your children are included in your closest family circle while most, if not all, other children are excluded from it. There are, of course, exceptions, but as a general rule this holds true. What about friendships? In order to have a friend, you have to prefer the company of that chosen person over the company of other people that you know and, certainly, over people whom you do not know. That person has likely earned your trust, your respect and an exclusive (there’s that word again) place in your life. How about acquaintances? Yes, even that loose relationship is exclusive in that you recognize these people, you single them out from the rest of humanity… you recognize them. To be recognized at all is to become part of an exclusive group which, by nature, shuts out those whom are not known or not recognized.

Every human relationship is one of some sort of exclusion, but it is also one of inclusion. In order to be shut out of a group, there must be a group to be shut out of. Indeed, some people are exclusive to themselves, but since they cannot shut themselves out, they are simple stuck with the smallest and most exclusive set of one. We will avoid those sad and lonely souls for the moment and focus on other groups. In the broadest set that we have recognized here, the group of acquaintances, we already of an exclusive group based mainly on recognition of an individual or individuals versus being an unrecognized stranger. Once you recognize a person, they, by necessity, enter into a group that you can identify on some level. Maybe these are people you simply see often, perhaps you speak with occasionally, but have formed no deeper relationship with. Whatever the reason, they have been included in those that you can pick out of a crowd and the rest of that crowd has been excluded as unrecognizable to you. With friendship, another step has been taken. Out of your pool of acquaintances, you have formed a deeper relationship with someone, you have made a friend. Friends tend to have a measure of our trust, we prefer them over others and choose to spend time with them. In friendship, in love, in marriage and in family, we are willing to give something of ourselves to that chosen person or persons that we would not necessarily give to a stranger or even an acquaintance. These are, of necessity, exclusive relationships. That does not imply any injustice, it is simply the fact of that matter. If we did not pick and choose and even exclude, we would be quickly overwhelmed by the sheer number of needs and wants and demands around us. Our resources of time and energy, and likely even our finances would be quickly sapped. Relationships allow us to focus our time, energy, even our finances.

So why do we recoil at the thought of being called “prejudiced” when all of us so clearly are? I believe that it is the implied unfairness of the word. Strangers and even acquaintances have probably done nothing wrong that would cause them to be excluded from our circle of friends and family. They may even have done any number of wonderful and quite worthwhile things that would make us want to include them if we only knew just how wonderful they really are! Of course, those same people might just as easily include the worst of society, the violently criminal element, that we would want excluded for our own defense and self-protection, but we are not likely to know about that either. The truth is, sadly, that many of the decisions made by people about whether to include or exclude someone from our inner circles are made for superficial reasons that have little to do with the person inside. We like something about that person or we dislike something about them. These things may be fair and good reasons for inclusion or completely unreasonable causes of exclusion. Either way, we make choices and categorize those around us based on criteria we may or may not even be aware of.

Life really isn’t fair, is it? Everyone really is prejudiced on some level. The real question, in the end, is what will we do with this bit of knowledge, this bit of understanding about ourselves? What do you do?

May you have the most wonderful Christmas so far, and may your new year be the best yet!

The kids have begged, pleaded and ganged up on me, so I am running away from home… with them! Due to our continuing vehicular problems, we will be going out in shifts, but everyone will get a turn. Don’t bother looking for us, we will be hiding in weird places. We should be home in plenty of time for dinner, however.

I am off my rocker, off center, and off to figure out how on earth to wrap a guitar and a pogo stick! Wish me luck, send up prayers, and, most importantly, feel free to give me some advice! I leave you, for now, with these photos for your seasonal contemplation… Can you think of anything that captures the true meaning of Christmas better than having your picture taken with a Yuletide Yoda? On the other hand… Can you think of anything more terrifying to a two-year-old than Yoda in a Santa hat?

If you are anything like me (And we know that you are not, but just for the sake of furthering the blog post, let’s pretend.), and find yourself wandering around in Wal-Mart (insert shriek here), it is best not to be A. Completely asleep or B. Actively sleepwalking. In addition to those last couple of gifts you have been trying to sneak out to buy, you might end up picking up, quite inexplicably, a block of cheese of a variety you are not overly fond of and that tends to smell a bit like freshly worn gym socks… I’m just sayin’.

I will admit that it has been about a year and a half since this subject was first brought up in our house, and for some unfathomable reason, it is a subject that just won’t DIE and STAY dead.  Call it a Marvel death if you like.  The point is, the subject of Mutant Zombie Cyborg Armadillos From Outer Space as the potential subject of a B grade movie, and as the subject of a survival meme is a debate that still rages on at our house.  Today it has also become the art project of the day.  I just know that someone somewhere will want to join us in this!  If you do, please don’t hesitate to drop us a comment, or better yet, a link!

… to frighten the UPS guys.  Why?  Because nearly everyone who lives in a popular type of tract housing in the part of Texas gets a bad case of “winter door” this time of  year.  Let me set a typical scene for you.

You hear a knock at the door (and it has to be a knock because the doorbells never work even if you change them out for new ones) and go to answer.  In a normal household you would turn the knob, give a slight tug and the door would open.  We don’t live in a normal house this time of year.  In our house you grasp the doorknob firmly in both hands and really throw your back into an attempt to pull it open.  When this fails, and it will fail at least once, you check the locks to make sure that they are all unlocked (and they probably are as this is a friendly and safe neighborhood) and go back to tugging on the door.  After this attempt fails, you brace a foot against the door frame, grab the doorknob in both hands with a grip strong enough to change the shape of it, and tug with everything you’ve got.  This time the door decides to pop open with a noise that can only be described as the sound of Darth Vader having an asthma attack and  you go sprawling across the foyer floor where you two-year-old (if you have one) promptly climbs on top of you, flings his little arms around your head and says “sorry, sorry!” while trying to make you feel better.

So, as you are struggling to get up again with the toddler still wrapped around your head, the very startled (and maybe a tad worried-looking) UPS guy hands  you your package, and asks you to sign for it.  Umm…. you have a toddler in one arm and a package in the other, so how exactly DOES he expect you to do that?   At this point I just HAVE to stop and ask… Is this linked to one of those crucial mommy-genes that seems to have completely bypassed me (like the shoe-shopping gene)?  Maybe other mommies can do this sort of thing like those miraculous women who can make a gorgeous centerpiece out of found items from her yard and a vase from the dollar store while simultaneously icing a lovely cake, rearranging her living room, paying her taxes, and tweeting about it all for amusement and edification.  I don’t have that gene and I don’t have an interesting-enough life to Twitter. 

Talented and genetically blessed or not, you toss the package onto a chair, shift the toddler to your other hip, and scribble something that may or may not resemble your signature and start pondering just how difficult it will be to hammer the door shut once more, and decide that you just won’t do it… yet.  As long as the door is open, you might as well take a plate of cookies to the neighbors and add another decoration or two to the front porch.  As you bundle up your toddler to go out, it occurs to you that if everyone had “winter door” we could end those epidemics of obesity and loneliness that you keep reading about.

The UPS guys would probably need seasonal trauma counseling, though.

The other day, Lex Luthor lost part of his arm while exploring the wilds of our front lawn.  This horrific incident was followed by Batman’s career-ending knee injury and Spider-Man’s tragic beheading.  It has been a really hard month for plastic heroes and villains around here.  It has been an even harder month on the hearts of the little boys who owned them.  Little losses can still bring big hurts.

It’s been a hard month for family and friends of ours, too.  Broken relationships, the loss of a friend, or the loss of a family member are big hurts and they can bring devastating and even crippling pain.   Sometimes you have a long illness or an awareness of an enormous problem which help to prepare you and sometimes these things just arrive in an unexpected tidal wave that wash over your heart and your life and change you forever.  You find yourself asking the usual questions:  Why him?  Why her?  Why is this happening in my life?  How can you do this to me?  No answers just that agonizing and seemingly unending tidal wave of pain and grief.  It seems like it will last forever.  It seems as if there is no way it could possibly ever end.  Sometimes you are not even sure if you want it to end and other times you almost wish that you had never been born to deal with it.  And yet, here you are and here it is.  The great valley lies before you filled with nothing by festering swamps of despair and desolation and you really do have no choice but to go through it. 

But there is hope and healing and a real future on the other side of that valley.  You may not believe it at times, but it really is there.  No you won’t forget and no the pain will not all go away to be remembered no more.  I cannot even promise that the travel through the valley will be easy or without incident.  The truth is it will not.  Your journey will be hard  and it will sometimes hurt so much that the pain staggers you.  That is the hard truth of life.  It isn’t neat and it isn’t painless and it certainly isn’t always beautiful.  The truth is that humans are mortal and frail and we were created with a gaping need within us for G-d and for each other.  We are meant to be a people of community for the very reason that someday we will need to be lifted and carried through those valleys.  We will be exhausted from our journey and need succor.  We will be wounded and burdened by life to the point the we would give up and just quit if we could.  That point is different for each of us, but everyone who lives and breathes will also suffer.  That is the ugly truth of it.  The great joy of it is that we are privileged to help those who are weaker than we are.  We are privileged and not burdened to be able to lift up our fellow travelers and to help them bear their burdens along the way.  We are privileged to be able to share their tears just as we are so often privileged to share their laughter.  And, when any one of us makes it through their valley to emerge into a place of joy on the mountaintop beyond, we are also privileged to cheer for them and with them. 

So, while I cannot do much more than hug my little sons close and comfort them over the loss of those little plastic toys today, or the loss of a pet someday or even wipe some tears and hold them all the closer when we think about and remember the loss of their brother and other family members, I can still be grateful that I am privileged to be there for them now during their pain.  I have so many times been privileged to be there with them in their joy and I look forward to seeing the men that they will become.  I long to be able to be there to see someday just what great things might come from the burdens and pain of today.  I hope that it will include seeing them lift up others who are struggling and help them just as they once were helped. 

May each and every one of us be so blessed and may we each be a blessing to someone else someday.

… and I found it!  It was in the refrigerator right behind the mayonnaise, but before I could get it, Mr. Y (who lives there) decided to call it a night and turned out the lights on me.  That’s why this post is completely pointless and lacking in wisdom.